2022: What a year it was. What a three years it’s been! What the FUCK?
2022 is not going to rival any of my favourite years, not by a very long shot.
My Dad passed. I only found out he was struggling when he had a few days left – didn’t have time to get there, didn’t get to talk with him – he couldn’t breath without assistance, but I said a few things over the phone. So much was left unsaid. My heart broke into a billion pieces and I’m still lost, all these months later.
Out of respect for Dad, I tried my hardest to repair bridges with my mother and brother, but it was to no avail. I haven’t heard from either in over 3 1/2 months.
There has been no change to the malicious estrangement of my daughter. Parental Alienation remains ignored by the legal system and the corrupt and broken family courts. She continues to have problems at school – anxiety, high absences, poor academic performance – and they all continue to listen to her vermin mother telling them that I am the problem. I insisted she attend Dad’s funeral to avoid her having future regrets, even though disrupted our attempts to honour Dad and gain a little more closure for ourselves. I guess I’m still playing Dad, despite having that maliciously stolen from me.
I’ve long suspected that I was somewhere on the Asperger’s spectrum – I’m convinced that’s been the case all my life. I have masked it well, assimilated socially & professionally my whole life, but the more I have researched, the more it seems obvious that my entire lifetime feeling of not fitting in, of thinking differently, of struggling in social situations (especially as I get older), is down to this.
I’m not upset about it – I welcome & accept that knowledge gratefully. I can’t help but wonder what my life might have been had I received a diagnosis when I was young, had some greater understanding and support instead of being left to stumble along not knowing WHY I always felt different. Even now my family choose not to accept or even show any interest in that self-diagnosis. (A medical diagnosis is costly, difficult and a lengthy process, apparently) C’est la vie.
The clinical depression that has plagued me for years keeps recurring. Black clouds and a storm in my head and heart. I wish it upon nobody. In one terrible, deepest darkest funk I lashed out in an very rare act of violence and broke my fifth metacarpal, leaving my right hand rather out of action for a while. As the song (doesn’t) go – “I fought the door and the door won.”
More recently I have come to believe I have some pretty serious emotional exhaustion, possibly even Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Perma-xhaustion, poor sleep, always waking up as tired (or more) as the day before… it’s soul crushing – but once again, acceptance and understanding are crucial to finding a positive pathway forwards.
And our Ziggy has been ill. Seizures for a couple of years, now his liver is struggling. He loves his food – so he does NOT enjoy his low protein diet. Plus, his meds make him hungrier, poor pooch.
We’ve also identified that we changed our mindset due to COVID. We hunkered down, cancelled plans, became more insular. We cancelled three trips to Perth this year… hardly surprising I feel estranged, miss my friends, miss seeing live music. There’s not a lot on here which excites me. Time for some change.
So, 2023 will be a time of change. I know, ‘cos I told me so! It starts with all the negative stuff above. Now I understand things a bit more, I have some roadsigns pointing the way forwards, hopefully in a far more positive way.
We’re looking at some big plans, including an overseas trip May/Jun for our anniversary. We’re going to get out of the house more, if it kills me. It might. There are yucky people out there… but staying in all the time is NOT working. So – Perth, here we come, mid-January, late February, early March.
What else happened this year? In June/July Lady Boomboom got permanency in the job she’d been acting in for well over two years – longer than the job she moved out here for! Well deserved, I say. She’s doing great here – I’ve not found my place. One powerball…
We remain COVID-free – at least, officially. We would’ve sworn the bug we both had in August was The Vids, but tests remained negative. It sure felt horrible enough to be it, though.
I published two books this year. IMPERFECT TALES is an anthology of 30ish (mostly) dark Gothic short stories. ALL THAT WAS TAKEN FROM US – A CHILD MIGRANT’S STORY is my Dad’s memoir of his travails through a dysfunctional childhood, being sent to Australia aged 13 with his two younger brothers, his time spent at Fairbridge Farm School, and how he overcame the difficulties of that young life to forge a happy life, family and career. The official publication date of the latter is 8th Jan, but the books are here and I can send them your way if you want one.
Next year I plan to finish a novel, and a non-fiction project, both of which I started three or four years ago. Loads of other projects to do before I’m done as well – I just need to learn how to sell more of them!
This is your last chance to download this year’s Xmas short story – co-written with Lady Boomboom! – for FREE. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. And the previous two as well. Here’s this year’s – CLICK
And that’s it, I think. It was a year of introspection rather than action. A lot of time and effort went into helping to organise Dad’s funeral and wake, even more into finishing his memoirs. It was all very difficult and emotional, and no doubt exacerbated my ups and downs. I’ve reached some closure, and a far greater understanding of his life – and thus my life. Coupled with the understanding of how Aspergers has affected me my whole life, the other medical and psychological stuff… well, hopefully if I can integrate all those answers holistically, I can find a more positive path forwards. “Fitter, happier, more productive” as Radiohead said.
Happy New Year, everyone. Have a great night tonight – whether you’re out on the razz, or home and in bed by 9pm – and have a superb 2023. Globally speaking, it has to be better than 2020 – 21 – 22, amirite?!?!
xXx
